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January 3, 2013 / Zoe

A New Year.

sunrise 3

Did you notice the calendar tick over earlier this week? I’m sure that you did. 2013 seems like a messy number, but it feels good to me. I think it’s the symmetry of my birth year that I like, 1987 is 13 years to 2000 and 2013 is 13 years after 2000. I like symmetry.

We rang in the new year in our usual party animal way. We watched the entire Lord Of The Rings trilogy, watched the fireworks from the front yard, and drove to Kings Park to watch the sunrise. The sunrise last year was very disappointing, it was overcast so it was hard to tell when it even happened. This year the sky really turned it on for us. Yellows, then pink, purple, magenta. It was beautiful.

Last year I felt like the new year was full of promise and potential. I had goals and resolutions. The usual ones, become not agoraphobic, lose umpteen kilos, make my business the greatest business to ever be a business. The year didn’t go anything like that, but I think it was even better.

I’m still agoraphobic. I realised in the last year that I always will be. It’s not something you can cure, but it’s something you can manage. And in the last 8 months it’s improved an awful lot. I’m proud of how far I’ve come in that regard. I mean, I go to uni now!

I lost about half of umpteen kilos, then I realised that no matter how much weight I lost, I would still hate my body, because of a deep-seeded self-loathing. I realised that it was my mind that needed to change, not my size. For the first time since I realised I had a woman’s body, somewhere around age 12, I love the body I live in. I love how it’s pillowy and it jiggles. It acts as a cushion for any kitten or boy who lives in this house. It’s not in any magazines, but that’s the magazine’s problem, not mine. It’s a size 18-20, and that’s ok. Realising this was like a weight being lifted, and not in any literal sense. I’ve noticed I walk differently. I stand up straight, I don’t hunch over, or cross my arms over my stomach. I have the right to be in the world, at any size. It’s still a journey, I certainly still have my self-loathing moments, but it’s only going to get better.

Learning to love my body how it is doesn’t mean rejecting my health though. Health is very important to me. I’ve just been untangling the link between fat and health, and realised that that link isn’t as iron-fast as some would have us think. Thin bodies can be very unhealthy, and fat bodies can be wonderfully healthy, and beautiful! I want to birth in this body, and I want to walk 1000kms from Perth to Albany in this body, so I need it to be healthy. Measuring and weighing and restricting food just won’t be a factor any more. This is particularly important for me as I have an addictive personality, which is why I don’t drink or smoke, and I avoid anything addictive! When I was losing weight earlier last year I started to get obsessive about it, and that’s not healthy. So it’s time for more walking and pilates, and more vegetables. I love vegetables, I should eat more of them.

As for my little sewing business. Well, I do still want to revive that. I really enjoy sewing, and I’m doing three units next semester, instead of four, so I’ll have more time to pursue my creative side. There’s a little market at my uni every Tuesday, and I’m going to aim to do at least 3 or 4 of them this semester.

I’m avoiding using terminology like goal, or resolution this year. Or at all. I don’t like the pressure or expectation of goals, mostly from myself. All I really want from this year is to get out of bed every day (unless I have the ‘flu). To get dressed most days. To leave the house on some days. And to attend events with a lot of people a few days. If I get through the year having achieved that, I will be happy.

I hope you get what you want from this year, too.

sunrise 2

Happy New Year.

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3 Comments

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  1. Sue Kennedy / Jan 5 2013 12:31 pm

    When Alex asked, I said my resolution is to ‘spend more time on the internet, and less time caring for my family’, which I think I can achieve, especially since my family is grown up and has (mostly) left home. I also want to spend more time on creative things, and daydream more. Wish me luck!

  2. Circe / Jan 4 2013 12:04 am

    I decided not to do resolutions this year either. Instead I’m going to focus on being good to myself, Working on my strength and health, and learning to accept my self, body and all for who I am. Good luck with your year, it looks like you had a beautiful start to it.

    • Zoe / Jan 6 2013 1:32 pm

      That sounds like a great plan. Being good to ourselves can be really hard, but I think it’s the best thing we can try and do! Good luck!

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